Levi & I: Reflections on Sober October (Victory!)

Ah, November, at last! So glad the previous month is over. For the first time in three years I finally succeeded in completing a Sober October 31-day dry run, thanks to a bunch of supportive friends. Since I started drinking in college I couldn’t let go of the bottle, and have been drinking daily as a matter of course. But this horrific Year 2020 I finally managed an entire month without as much as a sip of wine or a gulp of beer, a real victory in terms of self-control.

For years now, drinking has been my preferred way of self-medication. I’ve always felt much better about myself when there is a drink at hand: I feel less anxious, less self-conscious, less overthinking, less neurotic, less [insert other destructive emotion here], and overall just more laidback, more alive, more “free”. Needless to say, I knew every bottle was bad for my health, and yet I couldn’t end a day without a drink or two (or three, or four…)

Everything was really shitty for the past month in terms of creativity as my battered body and struggling mind rebelled against the lack of alcohol which has been a significant part of my lifestyle all this time. But somehow I managed to pull through. It was tough as fuck but I was finally able to prove to myself that I’m capable of teetotaling, even if it’s just for a month.

Here’s my liquor cabinet today:

It’s full because I haven’t touched it! Haven’t drunk a single wine bottle in October. No beer, no sake, no whiskey, no bourbon, no brandy, not even a cocktail. Nope, none of that. 

Levi Helping Me Out

If we look closely, there’s chibi Levi giving me the infamous Ackermann side eye, helpful in moments of weakness when I feel like reaching out for “just a glass” of wine. 

Contrary to popular belief, Levi actually drinks. I remember in a magazine Q&A when someone asked if he drank alcohol, and the answer was 「ザルです！」Zaru desu! 

“Zaru” is Japanese for sieve, and to call someone zaru means they’re the kind who can drink a lot without getting inebriated. So Levi is one of those people who seem to be immune to the effects of alcohol. 

But I feel he won’t drink anymore, because OMG how can he after what happened in the Forest of Giant Trees?

His subordinates wanted to bring the Marleyan wine with them and while Levi was reluctant at first, he relented. Tea? Boring, they complained. Wine? Fantastic, they insisted. And then that happened. It was so horrific I think our poor captain has been traumatised for life. 

So in my head he became a teetotaler after that. 100% understandable! That’s why I put two versions of him there to guard my liquor stack.

「紅茶でも飲め、くず野郎」Kocha de mo nome, kuzuyarou.

Levi-in-a-suit says, “Drink tea instead, you rotten piece of shit.” 

Below him is Levi in the old uniform, swords drawn, ready to slit my throat if I so much as look in the direction of the forbidden bottles.

Speaking of motivations, I was at my doctor’s in early September and our conversation went something like this:

“I’m sick of being unable to travel out of the country. I want to die,” I whine.

Doctor goes, “What’s keeping you from dying?”

“Waiting for Season 3 of Fleabag…oh, and also wanna witness the end of the Shingeki no Kyojin manga.”

“Well, if you want to do that, better moderate your alcohol consumption.” (Her face be more like: “Stop fucking drinking like a fish, you imbecile!”)

“Okay.”

Doctor’s orders, what can you do.

What’s next for me? I plan to limit my drinking to social occasions only (one serving per event), and have one glass per day during the weekend. Yep, just a glass. Here’s hoping I can finally start drinking less and less and eventually not drink at all by next year.

Don’t give up on me, Levi Ackermann! Cheers to sobriety!

The World According to Kenny

Substance abuse is a tricky thing. Seems to me I’ve struggled with some kind of addiction my entire life. What Kenny Ackermann said before he died—about us humans needing to be drunk on something otherwise we’d find it impossible to carry on—really resonated with me. He names some of our most common addictions: booze, sex, religion, power, other people…

What about you? Have you struggled with any of the above, or something else entirely? Please share in the comments section below.

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