Attack on Titan Fanfiction – The Stowaway: Chapter 5

Warning: R-18. NSFW. Contains a short but graphic depiction of sex.

All He Ever Wanted

“I wish I never awakened. I wish I never became strong if the price I had to pay for it was my fertility,” she told Jean.

“Mikasa, it’s a small price to pay for your life,” Jean said, wrapping his arms around her. “I’m glad you awakened when you did. If you didn’t, you and Eren would’ve been killed. Or Eren would’ve been killed because he got in the way, and you’d have been sold to the highest bidder. I’d never have met you.”

But she wasn’t listening. She was in her angry phase. She hated herself, hated the whole Clan Ackermann thing, hated life, hated everyone who could have a baby.

It was hard for her, Jean knew. He’d been devastated, too, when he arrived at the royal palace that day and found Levi waiting for him at the entrance hall to the queen’s private chamber. One look at his face and he knew something was terribly wrong.

“How are you feeling, Captain?” Jean asked. He’d just read through the documents, the blood draining from his face. But it wasn’t he who was sterile. It was his wife, and Levi. He wanted to be caring and supportive. Even if his heart was utterly broken.

“Nevermind me,” Levi said. “I wish there was something I could do for you two.” He gazed at the poor young man in front of him. Always looking so tall and majestic, but right now he looked every bit devastated and dispirited.

“Mikasa and I always talked about having a baby,” Jean admitted ruefully. 

His mind travelled back to all the times when, after making love, Mikasa would cuddle up to him, a smile on her lips, a hand over her womb, saying dreamily, “That was so good. I can’t wait to have your baby, Jean.” And he’d smile back and say, “Do you want it to be a boy or a girl?” And she’d smile even brighter, “It doesn’t matter. As long as it’s your baby.” And Jean would gather her in his arms and say, joyfully, “Our baby, Mikasa. Our baby. If it’s a girl I hope she looks just like you.”

Levi said nothing, simply gazed at him, knowing he was in a reverie. Of happier times. Of hopeful times.

“I wanted a baby just as much as she did,” Jean went on. “Even before she and I became a couple, when Eren was still alive, I’d talk to him about wanting a baby with Mikasa. I dreamt of it when I was still a teenager, having a family with her. He and I talked about it like it was inevitable, that Mikasa would be a mother and I’d be the father of her child. Eren even named the babies in advance,” he chuckled softly. “We just thought of it as a given, Captain, this becoming a father thing…”

Ah, the ebullience of youth, Levi thought. “Sorry to hear that,” he said. 

“Well, I’ll have to be strong for her, regarding this,” Jean said, with an air of determination. He looked at the documents on the table. “At least I’ve got an explanation.” 

Levi looked at him questioningly. “Explanation?”

“Mikasa had baby fever during our honeymoon. We wanted a baby as soon as possible,” Jean explained, candidly, unabashedly. “We were baby-making the whole time, and it’s been a year and a half but…nothing. I was actually starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me,” Jean admitted, shaking his head dejectedly. “At least, now I know there’s nothing wrong with either of us. It’s just fate, isn’t it? Just wasn’t meant to happen.”

He sounded so sorrowful Levi’s heart started to break all over again, for him this time. 

Jean was looking out the window in the alcove along the entrance hall where they sat. “This doesn’t change the fact that marrying Mikasa was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I’d have married her, even if I knew back then she was barren.”

“Glad to hear that,” Levi said. Let’s hope she believes you when you tell her that.

“Where is my wife?” Jean asks, standing up.

“Upstairs with Historia. She’s been crying all afternoon. I doubt she’ll have the strength to ride upright. I’ll get the carriage,” says the brigadier.

“Appreciate it, sir,” Jean says as they shake hands. “It always helps, having you with us.”

Levi looked him in the eye. He wanted to say something kind, even if it really wouldn’t make a difference. “Listen, I know it’s hard. But nothing is free. There’s a price to pay for everything. When this becomes too much for you to bear, remember that you’re a father already, Jean Kirschtein. You’ve built an entire Navy. The military is helpless without the Navy. You’re a father to thousands of sailors, as it were.”

The admiral nodded. “Thanks, Captain.”

Inside the carriage Mikasa, sobbing helplessly, clung to her husband. “I just want your baby, Jean. All I want is one baby. Why can’t I have that, just one baby?” she wailed pitifully, the heartrending sobs making him weep, too. 

He sat her on his lap, embraced her, stroked her hair, kissed her wet cheeks, held her close to him, rocking her against his body. “Shh, my sweet angel, shh…we’ll get through this…we’ll find a way. We’ll keep on loving each other no matter what,” he murmured. What else could he say? She was so lost in her grief he knew she could barely hear him.

“Please, both of you, take the week off,” Queen Historia told the couple before they left. “You need time to grieve.”

They’d been working so hard building up the military and preparing for the imminent war with Marley. Maybe they really should take a week off and talk, grieve, process the terrible news together. 

But the following morning, he woke up with Mikasa grinding her hips on top of him, moaning softly, one hand stroking her clitoris and the other massaging her own breast as she drove her pussy in and out of his erect penis, taking full advantage of his morning rod. 

“Good morning, my darling,” she breathed, noticing he was awake and leaning down to give him his morning kiss. “Let me know when you’re about to come. I need your seed inside me,” she said. Soon he was rocking his hips upward to meet her downward thrusts. 

“I’m close, Mikasa, real close,” he warned her. 

In a flash she rolls them over so that she is positioned at the bottom. “Come inside me, Jean. Don’t you dare spill a thing,” she ordered. 

When he told her his plan to get them a week off work, she voiced her opposition. Get off work? Why? Are you mad? A new weapons shipment is coming in. The Marines need me. The Navy can’t do without you. We’ll work during the day and at night, I’ll drive you crazy with my hot body, as per usual, she said. 

It was as if nothing happened at the royal palace the day before.

And that was how it started, their year of denial. There were no tears of grief whatsoever, just raw, frenzied, tireless fucking. Whenever he tried to bring up the topic of her infertility and the other, non-biological options they had of having a child, she’d shut him down. 

He was complicit, in a way. He was desperate for a baby, too, and really wanted to believe her when she suggested that maybe she was a statistical aberration in Clan Ackermann. Maybe she was different from all the others. 

“We’ll keep on trying. I’m all for it,” he told her. They wanted to undo the curse of Clan Ackermann by having so much sex she just had to get pregnant. 

Needless to say, being infertile was hardest on the woman. But it was hard on the man, too. The impact was life-changing, in a negative way.

At the time, being childless was like a judgement on a man’s masculinity. All his peers, his subordinates, were growing up and marrying and having children one by one. Having a wife and children was what separated the men from the boys. The failure to father a child made Jean feel like less of a man. He knew it was wrong to think that way. Levi Ackermann was child-free, and so had been Erwin Smith, and so were other real men he knew personally, but it made them no less manly. He knew it was dumb to feel the way he did. 

But still.

Jean brought it upon himself to “help” Mikasa as much as possible. He avoided alcohol completely, stopped smoking the occasional cigarette, wore loose underpants, followed every advice he could get his hands on to maximise sperm production. Maybe, just maybe, if he could flood her with womb with enough semen, maybe it could help her break through the curse. He had to give it his best shot. Otherwise, he felt as if he was falling short of the requirements for manhood. It made him frustrated and envious.

How he envied his friends and colleagues when they showed him photographs of their newborn! Photography was the latest fad on the island, with studios set up all around the country catering to the needs of the eager islanders who were finally having their portraits taken for the first time. Now everyone was making a fuss about their family pictures, with focus on the children. Jean knew his wife was very beautiful and that he was handsome himself. They’d make the perfect couple portrait, but neither of them wanted to go. 

“Have you gone to the latest XYZ studio?” someone would inevitably ask. 

“No, too busy at work,” he’d say as an excuse. It’s true, though. He really was busy. He threw himself into his work; during the times he wasn’t working he fucked his wife like there was no tomorrow.

He could never blame Mikasa for being infertile. He understood she had no choice when she was just a child: remain fertile and be sold into sexual slavery, or awaken and save her own skin but become infertile in the process. Either way, she was screwed. How could he feel any anger toward her? He loved her, wanted to help her. And so he took it upon himself to make things right.

But it wasn’t working. Jean’s failure at fatherhood ate away at his very being. 

He didn’t want to chat to his subordinates about their children. If Marco were still alive, he’d remember all of his subordinates’ children and ask about them by name, he reprimanded himself. So Jean forced himself to chit chat about kids because he knew it was the polite thing to do. But his heart wasn’t in it. 

As often as he could manage, he continued to visit the royal twins, Princess Ymir and Prince Eren. He loved them like his own, and they adored him in return. He wanted to become a father and they needed a father. They met each other’s needs. 

But as much as he loved them, he couldn’t help but want his very own: a baby with Mikasa. Each time he walked across the hall decorated with a large, painted portrait of Eren Jaeger, he’d throw him a dark look and think enviously: You lucky bastard. 

As an adult he thought he’d long gotten over his envy of and jealousy over Eren, a boy and man he himself had loved and cared for deeply. And yet it seemed like he was back to square one, struggling with his adolescent feelings of resentment. Eren Jaeger spawned two absolutely perfect, beautiful, incredible children. He, Jean Kirschtein, would have been over the moon with just one. 

Why couldn’t he and his wife have that, just one child? Why was the universe so mean?

Each time he left the palace, with the toddler twins’ warm hugs and sloppy kisses still lingering on his skin, he felt his heart break into a million pieces.

Thank you so much for reading! Please consider sharing a thought or two in the comment section below. Your comments give me life and are a real source of encouragement. xoxo, hana

Next – Chapter 6: All She Ever Wanted

Back – Chapter 4: From Pleasure to Pleasure

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