Attack on Titan Fanfiction – Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Chapter 8

The Invisible Rope

“It just blows my mind how Admiral Gainsborough can stoop this low,” Jean admitted to Levi, his disappointed tone laced with pain.

They were at a pier off the Port of Shiganshina. After the Aniastulia sinking Jean went on land tour and spent his days in the capital and their military headquarters holding meetings with fellow leaders and doing the Parliament rounds and the tonnes of paperwork that always awaited him after his days at sea. Levi, meanwhile, had completed his land tour and was now bound for sea duty.

The Port of Shiganshina was the largest commercial port in the island; a few miles off the seaport was the military one. Between them was a small pier with one jetty, where they now stood and looked out to sea. It was one of their conversation spots, a fairly quiet marina. The smaller boats rocked gently with the waves; it was very early in the morning and the crew of each boat were still having breakfast at one of the many restaurants that lined the bay. 

There was a large wooden shipping crate that Levi quickly climbed on, sitting with one leg bent on the knee and resting an arm on it. The other leg he dangled off the edge of the crate. He liked being atop these huge wooden boxes for they allowed him to have a rare glimpse of the top of people’s heads. Jean, arms crossed, stood up leaning against one side, next to the smaller man’s dangling leg.  

Levi gave the tall man a pitying look. The Special Forces worked closely with the Navy, much more so than the other branches of the military, using Navy equipment and personnel to conduct their rescue and reconnaissance missions on foreign territory. Levi felt he’d seen more of Jean and spoke with him more than any other living remnant of the titan era; he was well aware of the trials and tribulations of their nascent Navy. 

“I always thought he was better than this. I should’ve known better,” Jean was lamenting. “We were fishing children as young as three, babies really, out of the water. There were thirty seven children, half of them Noblainian, all under ten, all dead. Gainsborough planned the whole cursed debacle,” said Jean.

“Now we know the extent of Noblain’s desperation,” his old boss remarked.

Levi and Jean were discussing the complicated nature of their Navy’s relationship the Noblainian Empire. When Jean started building their Navy he looked to their almighty northwestern neighbor for guidance. Noblain had the greatest navy in the world, with a fleet so powerful and–until Cistidu caught up with them–undefeated that every naval officer around the globe held Noblain up as the model by which to build their own naval forces. Jean and his group quickly started building a fleet with plans and materials imported from Noblain, and training personnel the Noblainian way. 

For Noblain, a nation that grew exponentially in the last hundred years while Paradis hid behind its walls, they saw the island as a weak and backward nation that posed no threat to them. When Paradis offered money in exchange for training, Gainsborough took it because they needed it. But that wasn’t the only reason. It was to Noblain’s best interest to offer the building blocks of another nation’s navy: that way they knew exactly what they were dealing with if and when they ended up on opposing ends of a war. Of course, they also took the risk of the other party knowing all about them.

“You okay? Must’ve hurt, what Gainsborough did,” Levi remarked to Jean when he spotted him at the southern port. At the capital the admiral was business as usual: giving orders, being briefed on missions, reviewing and approving projects, speaking before politicians, meeting and drafting plans with his fellow military leaders. To others it was good ole Jean, but to Levi, who’d known him since he was fresh off the academy, it was obvious something was weighing heavily in the man’s heart.

“I suppose you could say I had a rude awakening. Which is funny given the fact that I know of his ruthlessness and thirst for power better than anyone else. I should’ve seen this coming. I did, too: just that I didn’t think he’d turn on me the way he did…”

Levi felt he understood why Jean was so upset. It was more than just the sordidness of the crisis itself. It had something to do with mentorship, fallen angels, disappointed sons and angry fathers and the other way around.

Admiral Nicolas Gainsborough was the most famous as well as most feared naval commander in the world. In the past he had destroyed both the Phanisan and Lugan fleets, both powerful navies of neighboring countries. He was known as a brutal fighter, a master naval strategist with an indomitable spirit, steering his naval forces from one colonial conquest to another. While Jean certainly had no dreams of empire he was, Levi surmised, among the many naval heads of lesser nations who worshipfully admired the famed Noblainian commander. Levi had seen Jean interact with Gainsborough before, and the younger admiral showed great deference and respect. Who could blame him? Levi thought. 

Gainsborough was a short, towheaded, ordinary looking man but had an intensely dramatic presence, with a reputation that made him larger than life. The fact that the illustrious sea dog came from relatively humble beginnings made him the ideal mentor and role model for Jean.

“He is the best offensive naval commander in the world. I’d like to be the best defensive naval commander,” the young admiral had waxed poetic about Gainsborough in the past. Levi felt that in return, the older admiral had a certain fondness for Jean. When Levi attended the war college graduation in Noblain and met the legendary admiral for the first time, he noted how Gainsborough took pride in Jean’s achievements. He had been awarded summa cum laude honors. Gainsborough was saying to the group gathered around him that despite Jean’s youth he was already a leader of men, keenly intelligent, level-headed, perspicacious, a fast learner, a born sailor and lover of the open seas, plus tall and handsome to boot.

“One to watch!” Gainsborough had said, adding jokingly, “Wouldn’t want him on the wrong side of my guns!” 

Levi could see why Jean was hurting. Gainsborough thought of Jean as the son he never had. The two commanders had liked and respected each other, until they found out that neither could trust the other.   

It’s particularly painful when a father figure disappoints, Levi mused. Jean was like him in that respect: they were men with father issues. Jean’s father died when he was a toddler and he had little memory of him. Levi never knew his. An uncle, Kenny, whose strength he had admired as a child and whom he had suspected to be his father, walked out on him when he was still a boy. He spent the next two decades wondering if it was his failure to live up to Kenny’s expectations that led him to be abandoned. Men like them spend their entire lives groping in the dark. Better to learn the harsh truth when you can. 

“Gainsborough’s a criminal, Jean,” Levi said bluntly. “Understandably so, but still.”

Jean sighed. “Seems like I’ve been modeling myself after a murderer.”

“It’s hard to find out what a man is truly capable of until pushed to the brink,” said Levi.

They were quiet for a few moments. “I can sacrifice a thousand from the armed forces, captain, myself included. Five thousand, ten thousand if the need arises. Millions, if I’m ever given the chance to command such a mighty organization. But a thousand civilians, my own people? Babies? I’d like to think of myself as more honourable than that…”

“Is it really just the butcher’s bill that upsets you? I think it’s something else.” Levi was a keen observer.

Jean gave his old boss a small smile, of the ‘Can’t hide anything from you now, can I?’ sort. “Maybe the real reason I’m upset is that Gainsborough just showed me exactly the kind of monster I’m capable of becoming.”

“Every light has a shadow,” Levi pointed out. Both Erwin and Kenny had been monsters, too. Times and circumstances and all that. He wanted to say something to make it easier for Jean. It hurts, doesn’t it, when you realize the man you idolized for years turns out to be all too human.

Long moments pass as both men are lost in thought. The pier was quiet at this time of day. It was almost sunrise.

“Will I become like him, captain?” Jean queried, at long last confessing the root of his unease. “Is it only a matter of time?”

“Jean, listen to me,” Levi answered, gazing down at the ash blond head bleached sandy by days under the harsh sun that relentlessly battered the seas. “You can choose not to succumb to the monster inside you. You can choose defeat while keeping your honor, or choose victory while losing your humanity. It’s a no-win situation, but I like to believe there’s always a choice. What the right choice is, is another matter altogether.”   

“For Gainsborough the right choice was obviously to drown a thousand civilians to win the war and spare his nation from the agony of defeat. It’s a totally rational choice, from his perspective.” Jean sighed again. “I just wish I hadn’t had to bear witness to it.” He massaged the bridge of his nose. “The faces of the dead babies haunt me at night.”

“What Noblain will do in the future is a lot worse than demanding that you lie on their behalf,” Levi said. “Remember that now, Jean, and remember it in the future when it really starts to burn.” He sheaths the dagger he had been polishing while listening to the admiral, then jumps down from the crate. “In fact, you must never forget what you figured out. It might just lead you to make the most difficult but ultimately better decision.” 

Jean nodded, feeling a chill run down his spine. To keep out the cold he wore the standard issue Navy coat and the turquoise scarf from his wife, but it was cold sweat that beaded his forehead while he shivered not from the bay wind but from a dark sense of foreboding. Marley was bound to declare war soon.

But what about Noblain? Not this year, nor the next, maybe in three? five? seven years’ time? Who knows. But there was that undeniable fact: what the military had been fearing for years was now unfolding right before their very eyes. It was only a matter of time, as Hange had said. 

Leaning against the shipping crate, he stood staring at the sea, his back facing Noblain. For the first time in his life, Jean Kirschtein had glimpsed the true face of his former mentor and now enemy. He shuddered, left with the sour taste of his own fear.  

And then, the sun started to rise. Along with it appeared a familiar silhouette on the horizon. It was unmistakable: the HMS Darius Zackly was coming home, heading toward the port on a steady breeze. Glory be to Founder Ymir! Jean grinned at Levi, and the shorter man favored him with a half-smile. It was always a pleasure to see their battleships return home safe and unharmed. The ship will dock for maintenance and repairs, restock and resupply, and crew rotation.

Levi was preparing to embark. Jean’s heart leapt at the thought of who was about to disembark: some combat Marines from the 3 Commando Brigade, and among them their battalion commander, Mikasa Ackermann-Kirschtein. At last! After a month of shocking events and the frenzied work that followed, the capital ship of Battle Group 4 was the most beautiful sight in the world.

Did the air change? Somehow it feels lighter, clearer, sweeter. Jean peers through his binoculars and could swear he sees Mikasa on the deck of the ship, looking out to the port, deep violet eyes searching for him. As the ship came closer and closer he could indeed make out figures on the deck. Soon he spots her for sure, the only one among them with jet black hair.

A rush of love wells up inside him, and he forgets his fear. He races toward the military port, eyes never leaving the ship. Finally Mikasa spots the tall man with the turquoise scarf: she raises her hands in that peculiar way of hers, a greeting she devised only for him. Suddenly the clouds disappear, lifting with it the weight in his heart.

Jean stands at the port and, despite the distance between them, he feels it: that invisible rope she throws out to his reaching hands. It was a rope that was tough and resilient, warm and comforting. He grasps at the rope with his fingers and feels the strength flowing into him.

That’s it for this story. Thank you so much for reading! Please please please take a moment to say hi in the comment section below. It’s so lonely and discouraging to find out I haven’t got any readers. Your comments are the only way I know my stories are getting read. Even just one sentence from you will give me the encouragement I need to keep on writing. Feel free to use a pseudonym and dummy email address. Please say something—anything at all—just to let me know you’ve finished reading! Comments do mean the world to me. Thanks! xoxo – hana

Continue to Part III – A Night to Remember

Back – Chapter 7: Calm Before the Storm

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