Attack on Titan Fanfiction – The Stowaway: Chapter 10

The Sacrifice

“I’m sorry, Jean. I’m so sorry for being mean and cruel to you, for always screaming at you. Please forgive me,” she said.

“It hurts, Mikasa, it really hurts my feelings when you accuse me of cheating on you. I would never do that.”

“I’m the one who’s infertile, and I feel I’m shortchanging you by asking you to stay with me despite my barrenness. I know how much you want a baby. You deserve to be with a fertile woman who can give you babies, Jean. But I couldn’t let you go. I thought that if I treated you badly, then you’ll leave on your own. I thought I could at least give you that, make it easy for you to leave…” The tears fell like rain. “I’m so sorry for all the hurtful words I said…”

Now he was crying, too. “Mikasa, I’ve said this a million times, but I’m saying it again: I don’t want to be married to anyone but you. No matter what.”

His wife begged for his forgiveness, and he gave it. But he also wanted her to forgive him. 

“I’m sorry I left for sea duty. Could’ve gotten out of it, but I wanted to go. I wanted to run away for a short while. Forgive me.”

Mikasa shook her head, stroking his cheek with the back of her fingers. “With all that screaming I subjected you to, no wonder you needed a few weeks away from me. Else I’d have busted your eardrums.”

“Do you remember our wedding vows, when I swore to stay by your side in sickness and health? You were suffering and I abandoned you. I really am sorry.”

“Don’t, my darling,” she said, putting a finger over his lips. “I drove you away with all my might. I can’t blame you for taking a break. I think we both needed a break from each other. In the end, things turned out for the better.”

“Does this have something to do with the Phantasma Pirates?” This was a notorious band of pirates nicknamed as such by Mikasa, because they seemed to appear when she wasn’t around and disappear each time she was on sea duty.

Mikasa grinned. “So you’ve heard?”

“I heard the news, but didn’t have a chance to read the full report. What happened? How’d the Marines do it?”

“Well, I was so mad at you for going on sea duty, that I snuck into the HMS Darius Zackly on a whim. It ruined my schedule as I was supposed to spend the entire week with the Mountain Leader Training Cadre up north,” she explained. The cadre was a training element of the Royal Marines, providing instruction in mountain warfare, cold weather survival and operations, as well as cliff assault. 

“Oh dear,” said Jean, surprised that his wife could do such an audacious thing.

“If you were going to sea, I thought to myself, then I, too, am going to the goddamn sea. So I told my aide to put me on sick leave for a week. I figured that Major Nadine Huber should be able to handle the mountain cadre, as I’ve been training her for ages already. She’s Ackermann-approved. I snuck into the Zackly down south just as she was about to deploy. For some reason I brought an entire strip of ship assault mines with me.”

“Oh gods,” Jean groaned.

“Captain Janine Sommer was so shocked to find me on board she nearly fell off the bridge,” Mikasa chuckled. “But you know, she’s your student, your loyal student. So she didn’t throw me overboard.”

“I don’t like where this is going,” her husband could only groan.

“We caught the Phantasma in the act, Jean,” Mikasa continued. “They were boarding one of our merchant ships, the RMS Island Sun, and when they spotted the Zackly they were going to make a run for it. But I was faster. I did Operation MMM, single-handedly.”

“MMM? Never heard of that…” For the life of him Jean couldn’t remember what that acronym stood for. 

“I made it up,” his wife said. “Mermaid Mining Maneuver. Cool, eh?”

They had been sitting up on the bed with pillows piled behind them. Jean covered his face with his hands and groaned, “Heavens have mercy.”

Mikasa went on to explain what happened. The pirate ship was too far away to be within firing range of the HMS Darius Zackly. But before the pirates could get away, Mikasa drove a speed boat toward the enemy ship until the pirates started shooting at it, then capsized the boat and pretended to drown, stealthily diving into the waters. Such was her speed and power even underwater that she was able to covertly mine the starboard side of the enemy vessel. When the pirate ship began her getaway, the mines detonated. It blew a hole into the ship enough for it to start lilting. 

The Zackly crew caught up with the ship and were able to arrest all seventeen pirates on board. The capture went fairly smoothly, for apart from the stowaway Mikasa, there were six other combat Marines on board as scheduled.

“Held my breath for a total of twenty five minutes,” Mikasa said, a note of pride in her voice. “Swam at the rate of a motorboat. Am actually faster than a motorboat, would you believe.”

Her husband threw his wife a horrified glance before gathering her in his arms. “Dunno know what to say. I’m proud of you for capturing the pirates, but what you did was extremely dangerous. You could’ve gotten caught in the propellers, you could have…”

“Oh my darling, you know I’m pretty much invincible. Fastest swimmer and most resilient diver on the planet. Even faster than Captain Levi, because of my long limbs. Not just a supersoldier, I’m also a warrior mermaid,” she grinned with unabashed pride. “Only I could have pulled off such a thing!”

“Mikasa…”

“The problem is that what I did can’t be replicated by any other Marine, so it’s pretty useless as an operating procedure. But Hange said that while I’m the only person on the planet able to do static apnea for twenty five minutes, an ordinary person might be able to replicate the feat by breathing pure oxygen for up to thirty minutes prior to their attempt. That might solve the breathing issue. But as for the swimming issue, no one can even come close to swimming at my speed. Hange says it seems impossible for ordinary humans,” Mikasa expounded, cool as a cucumber. 

Jean was in awe. “Twenty five minutes…oh my fucking goddess!” he swore under his breath. 

“They said it’s a good thing Ackermanns don’t compete in the Olympiad, because we’d take every medal and everyone will be very unhappy.” She laughed at the thought.

“My angel…,” was all Jean could say as he hugged her tight. His feelings swung between genuinely horrified and ridiculously proud.

“So, in the end, it was a good thing you went off when you did,” she continued, kissing her husband on the cheek. “Ultimately, the key to capturing the Phantasma Pirates was the element of surprise. They didn’t expect me to be on sea duty, so they let their guard down.”

Jean closed his eyes, still hugging her tight. He was married to a badass woman and for some reason he couldn’t help but love it. Even when they were cadets he’d always admired her combat skills, her gumption. 

“We were finally able to figure out why they were able to avoid me for two years,” she went on. “Two years, Jean. I was after them for two goddamn years. Every time they seemed to escape my grasp. When I was patrolling they were nowhere to be found. When I was off sea duty there they were, plundering and pillaging. I tore at my hair, wondering how they always seemed to be able to anticipate my presence.”

“Tell me everything,” Jean said.

“We captured the pirates and threw them in jail. And then I called on Captain Levi to extract information,” Mikasa explained. “Turns out, there’s a plant in the Marines administration, someone bribed by the pirate organization to steal and share my schedule. That’s why Phantasma always knew exactly when I was going to be on patrol. Well, we found that mole and court martialed him. He’s now in jail for treason.”

Kissing the top of her head, he said, “I’m so proud of you, Mikasa.”

“One down, many more to go,” she said, sighing, resting her head on his chest. “We capture a pirate ship and then another one just seems to sprout in its place. There’s no end to them.”

“As long as trade is prospering, the pirates will flourish along with it. You did an excellent job, though, with the Phantasma, among the worst of the pirate scourge. The amount they’ve stolen from our merchant marines is enough to feed Shiganshina. I couldn’t be more proud of my wife.”

Mikasa smiled up at him, “I was proud of myself, too. I came home happy and ready to apologise to you for my bad behaviour, but…,” now her smile was replaced with a frown, “I saw that magazine photo and lost it all over again…”

He pressed his cheek to her temple, holding her close. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel less jealous?”

“Women hit on you all the time…” she pouted, leisurely tracing his ripped abs with her fingers.

“But it’s not like I encourage them!”

“Well, for starters, maybe try to stop being so tall and hot and gorgeous.”

“If only it were that simple,” he replied, laughing. Then, seriously, “Do I unwittingly flirt with other women? What is it I do that makes you feel insecure? If it’s something I could change, I would.”

“Actually, it’s rather complicated. I’ve seen how you are with other women, Jean, since we’ve been married. You don’t flirt at all. You seem so disinterested and preoccupied with work, in fact, that it makes some women feel you’re throwing down a challenge.”

“A challenge?”

“Yeah. There are girls out there who can’t stand the idea that a man might not be interested in them. And so they go after him, make him fall for them, just to prove they’re seductive, irresistible women. Then there are the girls who actually find a disinterested man more attractive. They think it’s manly; they enjoy being ignored, see it as a challenge.”

“So what should I do then? Act interested?”

“No! Don’t you dare!” 

“But that puts me in a bind, angel. If I’m disinterested, they run after me. If I’m interested, you’ll get mad at me. What am I supposed to do?”

“Maybe try to tone down the sexy, steamy, manly, libidinous aura you give off,” she said with a wicked grin, knowing full well she was being vague and unfair.

“You’ve got to be more specific, Mikasa! What aura?”

Giggling, she put a hand behind his head and pulled his lips down for a torrid kiss. 

“This aura, see,” she said when they manage to pry their lips apart. “Men and women look at you and want to do this to you. They see you and want to fuck you or be fucked by you.”

“But I only want to fuck my wife!”

“I’m aware of that, Jean,” she conceded, sighing. “I’ve always been the jealous type. I was so jealous of any girl who got close to Eren. And now that I’m with you, I’m jealous of every woman who so much as speaks with you…”

“But you do trust me, don’t you? I mean, you’re super hot but I trust you. Can’t you trust me at all?”

“I do, Jean, I do trust you. I’m sorry it doesn’t show. My jealousy, my insecurity…they’re something I really need to work on. I’ll start with…when I’m upset, I promise not to scream at you any longer.”

“Thank you, my sweet angel. I promise not to yell back, or run off for sea duty when the going gets tough.”

They talk some more, about what they can do to make each other feel better, how they could stop hurting each other. Mikasa confessed to her extreme jealousy. She found it difficult to accept that her husband had an important, fulfilling relationship before her. She experienced this as an intolerable betrayal, despite the fact that it was no real threat to their marriage, besides how jealous and frightened it made her.

Looking at her imploringly, Jean said, “Mikasa, whatever relationships I’ve had in the past helped make me the person you fell in love with.”

“I know.”

“You know I’d never take your relationship with Eren against you. It’s part of who you are, of what makes you you.”

But she shook her head. Indeed, it was Eren who brought them together, Eren who died so that they might have a shot at a relatively ordinary life. Mikasa had loved Eren with heart, mind and soul. Jean acknowledged that, and had told her it wasn’t even difficult once he decided to grow up. It wasn’t difficult because of one huge reason.

“You loved him, too, Jean. I understand that. You loved Eren with all your heart. Our loving him… it’s what brought us together, isn’t it? We loved him, and he loved us. Our mutual love for him makes us closer…”

“And to this day we continue to hold him in our memories,” Jean added.

“Yes, but it’s not the same,” Mikasa pointed out, adding softly, “because the thing is, Eren’s gone. He’s in our hearts, that’s true, but he’s no longer here.” Her hand sweeps across the room. “But that woman…”

Jean hangs his head. Will it start again? “Mikasa, please…”

Her eyes welled with tears. “Geraldine is alive and fertile and just a shipping lane away…”

“But it doesn’t matter because I don’t love her like I love you,” Jean stated firmly.

“But still…it matters to me because what if she decides to have you? What if she goes out of her way to get you to see her? I’m sure she misses you like crazy… I’ve read that the Noblanian royal family is the wealthiest and most powerful in the world. She could find a way to make it impossible for you to say no.” 

Jean regarded his now crying wife. Her paranoia was mind-boggling. Struggling to put himself in her shoes, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed away the tears. 

“Look, I know you don’t want me defending her, but for all her faults, Geraldine’s a kind person. She won’t coerce me to do anything against my will.”

“But the papers say she’s lonely and feeling neglected, what with that philandering husband of hers…”

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “Won’t you please stop reading those trashy tabloids? They’re 50% gossip and 50% hearsay.”

“I can’t help it,” she replied, pouting. “Geraldine is just so gorgeous. And very clever, I could tell. She fell in love with you because she was able to see the wonderful person, the incredible man that you are. After recognising that, how could anyone ever let you go?” 

“Listen to me,” he held her by the shoulders, looked her in the eye. “If I had the real choice between you and Geraldine, I’d have chosen you, Mikasa. No ifs or buts. I swear on Eren’s grave.” 

This mollified Mikasa. After Eren died, Jean didn’t take his name lightly. They had agreed between themselves that invoking his name meant making an avowal, a pledge to truth. Nodding silently, she enfolded her husband in a sweet embrace.

Later, they share things they’ve learnt while apart. 

“Remember the Utgard Castle incident?” Jean said. “I was with Commander Erwin at the time, waiting to defend the city against the titans. Well, they never came, so we got to chatting a little bit. There were a bunch of small children running around, with the police chasing after them and telling them to go home. The commander was gazing at them with this inexorable look on his face.” 

He narrated the conversation he and the late commander had.

“Do you ever regret not having a family, sir?” Jean had asked him.

Erwin had an enigmatic smile on his face. “I’ve always believed great minds have purposes, others have wishes. My purpose, the path I chose to take, is to find out the truth about the world. I plan to fulfill that purpose at whatever cost. To succeed, I have to make sacrifices, such as having a family.” 

“But isn’t that difficult, sir?” Jean had wanted to know. For him, a family was a basic need.

“Yes, it is. But sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else,” Commander Erwin had replied.

“He said that with this contented, peaceful look on his face. It made a huge impression on me at the time,” Jean reminisced.

Mikasa nodded, holding him in her embrace.

“I’ve been thinking about what he said the entire time I was on sea duty. Sailing on the HMS Erwin Smith, I think of the old commander sometimes,” Jean explained, reaching out a hand to stroke Mikasa’s long black hair.

Running his fingers through the silky strands, he continued, “I’ve always thought my purpose in life is to love you and marry you and be the father of your children and raise a family with you. But maybe, just maybe, the having-a-kid part wasn’t meant to be on my list of purposes. In place of that, perhaps my purpose is to protect the island, so that others can have kids in peace. I want offspring for myself as well, but there’s got to be a reason why we can’t have children right now. I don’t want to wallow in self-pity over it, Mikasa. I want to frame it in a positive way. Otherwise I’ll go crazy not getting what I want.”

“So you want to give up on baby-making?”

“No, my sweet angel, definitely not give up on it. I just don’t want to obsess over it anymore. It’s taking over our lives in an extremely negative manner. I want to frame it in such a way that, if we are blessed with kids, then wonderful, but if not, then we’ll just keep on loving each other and doing all we can to protect the children of those we love. Eren’s kids, for instance. I know you’ll give up your life to protect them, and I will, too. Maybe that’s our purpose.”

“The twins, and also Hitch’s two little ones, and Connie’s, and all the others…”

“Yes, that’s what I mean,” he says. They sit cross-legged facing each other on the bed. Mikasa makes her own confession.

“For the past year I’ve been saying I hated being an Ackermann, that I wished I never awakened. But after capturing the Phantasma…I must admit, it felt good to have all that raw physical power, the extreme combat skills. When the Zackly docked and news of the capture reached the merchants, they came up to me and said they were glad I was around. They were so full of gratitude and relief, telling me they will surely pass on my legend to their children and grandchildren. It got me thinking, maybe that’s what I was meant to do: protect the island. Maybe I couldn’t be a mother to my own babies, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t become the godmother of all the babies on the island.”

This brought tears to Jean’s eyes. They held each other and wept. 

Cupping her face in his hands and looking into her eyes, Jean said, “I love you, Mikasa. I loved you since the moment we met. I love you for who you are. Fertile or infertile, it won’t change my love for you.”

She reassured him of her love, too. “I will keep on loving you, Jean, until the end of time.”

“Can’t we just be there for each other, enjoying each other, just the two of us, while we can?” he asked.

“I’m sure we can manage that,” Mikasa replied, smiling at him, and then teasingly, “as long as we continue to make love everyday.”

“Absofuckinglutely!” Jean grinned, pulling her on top of him.

---

It was gradual and painful, but together Jean and Mikasa worked through their grief over infertility and slowly began to reach a place of acceptance. 

What a relief to hear that, for the readers’ sake and for our two protagonists’. Because the testing of the strength of their love continued. Six months after Mikasa caught the Phantasma Pirates, the Aniastulia crisis happened. One year later, the war with Marley happened, completely upending their lives.

Thank you so much for reading! Please consider sharing a thought or two in the comment section below. Your comments give me life and are a real source of encouragement. xoxo, hana

Note

“Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.” This is a quote from the following book:
Albom, Mitch. (2007). The Five People You Meet in Heaven. New York, NY: Hachette Book Group.

Next – Chapter 11: Who Goes There

Back – Chapter 9: To Leave or Stay